The Wall.

I know where the wall is. I found it and I hit it… So what do you do next?

Hurting my foot was the start. It was hard to get and maintain momentum when I could do little more then limp along. I pouted. A lot. I felt like a ginormous d-bag. Then we ran into that whole “one thing after another” syndrome. My husband had a small but significant surgery, we enrolled all five of our kids in private school for the next school year (lots of paper work), our foster care license is up for renewal (lots of paperwork) and adoption home study is due (also lots of paperwork). I had another work conference, we won an award for Foster Parents of the Year… that my husband had to leave early because one of our kids busted his lip open and needed stitches (kiddo is fine and you kinda just have to laugh). Work has been… woooork.

As part of our adoption process, we are doing family therapy with the kids to work through the big life changes that are happening. We love the person we are working with so it was really shocking to me when she called me out at one of our more recent meetings by telling me I need to stop and take care of myself. That I am wearing myself down. My response? YOU DONT KNOW ME!! I am She-Ra and I can do anything!!! Rawwwwwwr!!!

Yea….

Thankfully she has a sense of humor and to be fare, she does have an inkling of what she is talking about. The honest truth is that I have been working really hard on hiding that issue from myself…

Accepting this knowledge has been a lot like the 5 steps of grief…

  1. Denial – “YOU DONT KNOW ME” Yep. I’m pretty much a cliché.
  2. Anger – I spent about a week being angry because I didn’t have any ways to alter my circumstances without putting more pressure on myself. That’s not fare. I do not have time for this and slowing down just causes me to lose momentum.
  3. Bargaining – If I take a yoga class once a week it will solve all of my problems. I literally thought this for a week or so…
  4. Depression – Probably my longest step and definitely not clinical. I would call it a long and dedicated mope. I actially got (and still am a little) sick during this. Cold/flu, what ever you want to call it.
  5. Acceptance – I’m not sure I am all they way there yet but I can see a light on the horizon.

So where does this leave me? I’m really not sure yet. I know I need to make some changes and adjust the way I perceive my time and energy. For sure I am down shifting. For better or worse I’m not volunteering for any extra projects at work. We are for sure seeing the end of the tracks in our Foster Care career and quite frankly, if all I do on the weekends is hang out with my family and ignore the chores, that’s ok. (Even if that feels like crazy talk)…

I do know the reasons why I was avoiding this issue for so long. When you come from a family with complicated mental health its hard to ever admit that you aren’t on pointe. Its painful and makes you question a lot of things that I really don’t want to have in my wheel house right now. Even though it sounds trite, self awareness is the only thing that can keep a person right side up and if that is where I leave things right now, that’s not too bad.

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